It was brought to my attention this weekend, by my darling fiance, that I was making excuses in order to isolate myself. It tends to happen when he is out of town, it is what it is. But it got me thinking — I make excuses in so many aspects of my life. Depending on the situation, I usually attribute making these excuses to my social anxiety, eating disorder, depression, and / or just having a bad day.
There has to a point when enough is enough.
One of the most evident places in my life where these excuses wreak havoc, is my social life,, I’ve gotten pretty creative with these. Some days, or most days, I just don’t have the emotional or physical energy to make an effort to see, or even text, anyone – even family. This is not okay. Social anxiety manifests for different people in different ways. For me – it primarily stems from my extreme lack of confidence.
I can’t keep squeaking through life pretending to give a damn about my life, I need to ACTUALLY give a damn. Believing that I’m worthy of relationships is a start.
The thing I struggle with more than anything, and what I hate talking about more than anything: FOOD. I hate it. I hate it so much. I think the hate might actually be an excuse in and of itself – but bottom line here, I have to work on my relationship with food. This sounds bizarre to anyone who has never struggled with an eating disorder… But I haven’t been able to eat like a normal person since I was a child. Every bite is a fight. Lately my eating disorder has chosen to use these excuses to get to me more than before. Bad days are excuses for “comfort,” or “bad” food. For me, “bad” food usually means over-eating and [sometimes] purging, and subsequently taking away the day’s productivity from that point on using, you guessed it, excuses. No gym because I’m tired, no run because I ate too much so I’m too full… Etc.
Today is the day for no excuses.
Today is the day I keep pushing forward >> towards the hope and prayer that on my wedding day, and the days thereafter, I will be both anxiety-free & genuinely confident.