Late Night Thoughts, Vol 1

Some days I simply feel defeated.

These are the days
I can’t get out of bed
I fall back into old behaviors
I beat myself up
over all of the above ^^^

These are the days I need to remember
That every set-back
is a set-up
for a come-back

I remind myself that;
It’s okay to not be okay.

It’s okay to have a bad day.

It’s okay to not have the energy
To explain “what’s wrong.”

Tomorrow is a new day, and it’s going to be a beautiful one.

No matter how dark the night, the sun will always rise

life is tough

NT

PS – Who am I kidding? All my thoughts are late-night thoughts, but we’ll give it a try. ❤

Be Gentle…

Recovery is hard, it’s a simple fact. It can be so easy to allow little mistakes or slips ups to lead to a relapse, but instead we need to accept them, learn from them, and move forward.

A common trait in folks recovering from eating disorders is perfectionism. Speaking for myself, perfectionism reveals itself in my recovery specifically when I take a step backwards and practice a behavior. Perfectionism says that if my recovery isn’t perfect then there’s no point, but grace says that every set back is a set up for a come back

The perfectionist voice in my head prevails like this after any kind of mistake: 

NOW you’ve done it. There’s no reason to try anymore. You just ruined (insert the number of days / months clean) of successful recovery and hard work. Might as well keep (insert addiction / ineffective behavior). You’re a worthless failure. 

Etc, etc, etc.

The bottom line here is that no one’s recovery is perfect. For me, instead of listening  to the voices from my eating disorder & addictions, I need to focus on positive affirmations and the whisper of my savior in my  heart. All we can ultimately do is continue to push forward, love ourselves, and trust that the sun will continue to rise each morning – no matter how dark the night is.

N.T. 💛

Thanks Mom.

This year, I’m keeping it positive. I’m tired of the negativity; both from my surroundings and from my thoughts. So for awhile my posts are going to be thank you posts. I’m going to be counting my blessings, and at the top of the list are the people who keep me motivated through this thing called life.

Up first, of course, is my Momma.

I don’t quite know how I can put into words how thankful I am for this woman that I am forever indebted to. My mom raised twins by herself for the most part. We both had our moments – but of the two of us I know I caused her more sleepless nights than my brother. I wasn’t an easy kid, and I certainly wasn’t an easy teenager. But somehow my mom managed to keep me in her prayers and say “I love you,” every day without fail. Being older and having seen people I love do some self-destructive things, or even say that they’re thinking about hurting themselves, I cannot even begin to fathom how much pain I caused my mom. She had to see the aftermath of suicide attempts and years of self-harm and bulimia. She had to see her daughter, in her house, trying to hurt herself, and trying very hard. I can’t even imagine. Honestly, I can’t even say that I would take it back because everything that I’ve gone through has made me who I am – but I certainly wouldn’t be here if she hadn’t stuck by my side all of these years. I know people who went through less than I did whose parents gave up on them. But here she was; paying for therapy, visiting me every day in hospitals, doing everything in her power to get me into an inpatient rehab program before I turned 18… she saved my life. My mom literally saved my life, and it’s not something that I acknowledge enough. Thank you Mom. For not only putting up with me, but for loving me through the most difficult days. Thank you for always being a phone call away, even at 3 am. Thank you for continuing to encourage me and for being my inspiration. Thank you for being a faithful prayer warrior.

Aside from being an angel in my life that I don’t recognize enough… I’m so thankful that we share a passion for horses, a passion that you ignited in my heart before I can even remember. Some of my fondest memories are going to barrel races with you growing up, and our traditional McDonald’s chicken nuggets afterwards. 🙂 Thank you for always doing everything you possibly can to support my passion and my dream.

The thing is, though – I know it’s not just me whose life you have impacted. You are a beautiful person inside and out. You are always there to help friends, family, strangers – you have the biggest heart. Your smile is infectious, your sincerity is noticed, and your love is unconditional.

Thank you for being you, Mom. You are such a blessing to me, and I definitely don’t say it enough. I love you.

❤N.O.

She Made Broken Look Beautiful…

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It’s that time of year – I can’t help but look back and be disappointed by where I am in life right now. But dwelling on what’s done is not going to do any good. What I can do is learn from my mistakes, and there are definitely plenty of lessons available from the last few months.

Most importantly – this year will be a year of zero excuses. I will have a plan, and I will be successful. My heart can’t take another year of despising myself. This is the year I will learn to love myself and be a better me. I will do this for me, with everything that I have to lose as my motivation.

💙N.O.

Where’s my Tardis?

AT_-travelquote_4On days like today I wish I was backpacking through Europe, or exploring New Zealand, or literally anywhere else in the world but here. I feel so useless, sitting at a desk, while there is so much out there to see and do and live. I want to make a difference, and I can’t do that until I figure out where I’m meant to be, and who I’m meant to be.

Okay y’all, get ready for a Doctor Who reference. Don’t worry, if you’re not a proud nerd like myself – I’ll explain.
I want to be the real-life Rose Tyler, I so wish I was her.

The Doctor's TARDIS <3

The Doctor’s TARDIS ❤

If you’re not familiar with Rose Tyler – she is The Doctor’s first companion. The Doctor is a Time Lord; he travels through time & space, saving the Universe again and again. The Doctor’s space ship is called the TARDIS (Time And Relative Dimension In Space), and it’s disguised as a 1950’s police call box. After Rose meets the Doctor by accident, she helps him save the Earth. Then he invites her to go with him – anywhere and everywhere in the Universe. She leaves everything behind to go adventure… and adventure and adventure. How incredible would that be, to just be able to take off and leave everything behind. No responsibilities, no bills, no drama – just adventuring (of course my cat & dog would have to tag along too). While, obviously, I can’t time travel or explore other worlds or save the Earth – I am still waiting for my Doctor to pop up, sweep me off my feet and take me on adventures.

I don’t think anyone can be completely comfortable with their position in life until they’ve been able to explore the world, at least some of it. I know that I am where I’m supposed to be right now – but not for long. There’s too much to see and experience to be stuck in one place for the rest of my life.

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So, friends – let’s adventure.

-N.O.