… the sun will always rise.

Ryan sent me this photo that he took on his way to work this morning, and I honestly had a bit of an emotional reaction to it.

Sunrises in general mean a lot to me, the reason directly related to these few words I often told myself (and still do) on my most difficult nights: no matter how dark the night, the sun will always rise.

Now, Ryan has taken some incredible sunrise photos, but what struck me about this one was the darkness of the dead tree in the foreground. As soon as I saw the photo, I thought of my little mantra that I mentioned above. In my mind, that tree symbolized the darkness of the night.

So, to put this into words that aren’t just the ramblings of my mind:

Whatever you’re going through, it won’t last forever. This darkness in your life, in your head, in your heart – it’s not permanent. Your depression does not get to dictate your existence, your anxiety does not own you, your addiction does not define you, your disorder is not your name.

You are:

  • Beautiful
  • Capable
  • Deserving
  • Enough
  • Free
  • Loved
  • Significant
  • Worthy

You are not:

  • A Failure
  • A Lost Cause
  • A Waste of Space
  • Alone
  • Disgusting
  • Hopeless
  • Worthless
  • Your Mistakes

No matter how last night’s darkness tries to creep it’s way into your sunshine, it doesn’t belong there.

Every sunrise is a new beginning.

Dawn is coming, don’t lose hope.


N.N.

Marriage & Recovery

There was a time in my life when I wholeheartedly believed that finding “the one” would fix everything. That my prince charming would sweep me off my feet and make every insecurity and addiction disappear. Over the years I realized the naivety of this belief, yet there was still a part of me that believed, or maybe hoped, that having a ring on my finger would make every other struggle in my life vanish.

I’m here to say that this is 100% not the case.

I’d learned well before meeting Ryan that being in a relationship would never fix my problems. No man would ever come along and miraculously make my trauma disappear. However, there were, and always will be, men who try to convince women that they are indeed the answer to all of their issues. It’s these men who reinforce codependency and lead their partners even deeper into the pits.

One of the reasons I fell in love with Ryan to begin with was because he never tried to be my cure-all. He’s supported and encouraged me from the beginning, but has never pretended to be able to “fix” me. Instead, he has loved me through relapses, grief, insecurities, depression, anxiety & nightmares. To explain a bit more, this is part of the little speech that I gave at our reception:

“I’d never ever been the one to make the first move, or say those three little words first, but I did. He was different, he is different. He is my knight in shining armor, but not because he saved me. But because for the last three years he has challenged me to save myself and continues to be my support and my best friend… The point is, he is not like anyone I’ve ever known, and I cannot believe that I’m lucky enough to call him my husband.”

It’s been difficult for me figuring out this whole “wife” thing. I have the same, if not more, unconditional love and support from my husband, but I’ve been struggling. I think I’m trying too hard to identify who I am as a “wife.” I’m still me. I’m still the same woman who is learning to love herself, despite not necessarily liking what she sees in the mirror. I’m still the same woman who has claimed victory over some of her most aggressive demons. I’m still the same woman who is madly in love with Ryan Norton, and who is working so freaking hard, every day, to be a better human.

So here’s to marriage not fixing all of our problems, but to being able to celebrate the victories, big and little, with your permanent roommate. 👫

NN


What a Beautiful Day 🌞

I don’t usually describe 104° days as “beautiful,” but lately I’m realizing that I really need to change my perspective on some things. As I was walking into work this morning with the sun not yet making an appearance, I heard the birds singing. It seemed surreal to me that they were chirping when the stars were still shining. But honestly, I needed them this morning. I leave for work at 4:00am, and it’s a lonely way to start each day; I even have to wake my dog up to give her breakfast!

But today, the birds’ chorus was a really lovely reminder to look (or listen) for the light in dark places, and find beauty in the ordinary.

Happy Monday! ❤️

NT

Late Night Thoughts, Vol 3

This past week, and today. I’ve been brought back down to earth. Not necessarily in a terrible way, but gently reminded that there’s still a lot I need to face. I’ve been neglecting my recovery and pretending to be okay, but I’m not okay, and that’s okay too. Nonetheless, I absolutely refuse to allow my past to steal the present that I’ve worked so hard for.

Tomorrow is a new day, and it will not be lost.

NT